Dear Sombath…from Shui Meng (2)

My dearest Sombath,

Over the past week, the nights have been very clear and the light of the moon shines right into our bedroom turning it almost as bright as day. In the past, every time that happened, you would wake me up and ask me to see how beautiful the moonlight is, and see how the moon is reflected in the Mekong which our bedroom overlooks. We would sit and watch the beautiful moon and its silvery light. I would say to you that we are truly blessed to live just by the Mekong.  You would smile and say, “Yes, mother nature is so wonderful. Let’s be grateful.” Then you would snuggle back under the covers and go back to sleep leaving me wide-awake to enjoy the moonlight and watch the shimmering reflection of the moon on the silent Mekong.

Now whenever the full moon shines into our bedroom and its golden orb reflects on the waters of the Mekong, my tears stream down uncontrollably. Where are you? Can you see the moon wherever you are?

To cope with such sadness, I have to remind myself constantly what you have told me all the time in the past whenever I am frustrated, sad or angry. You always told me that I should not be so negative and look at the positive side of things. You told me umpteen times that I can train the mind not react to things negatively, but to see beyond the immediate emotions into the real cause of the anger and frustration. You always told me the mind is stronger than the body, and if we train the mind well, the body will be strong and we will be able to handle our emotions better. That is why you always urged me to meditate more – your way of training the mind.  I used to “pooh-pooh” that and say “yah-yah”, but never really believed you very much.

But over the past year, I too have to learn to take your advice seriously, and learn to use meditation to help me cope with the sadness, the anger, and frustration caused by your disappearance. I have to learn to cope with the millions of times I have been asking myself, “why did that happen to you; what could have caused it; what can be done to get you back; and why have all the actions to get answers from the Lao authorities yielded no results what-so-ever?”

So nowadays I try to spend some time meditating each day.  I have to confess I am still not very good at that; I fidget and I struggle, but I am trying. I keep telling myself that you are with me, and helping me quiet my thoughts; calm my mind, and cope with my fears; and that you too will be meditating to cope with the situation you are in. I also have images of you teaching the people around you how to meditate, and in the process let them truly see the kindness and gentleness in you, and be kind to you in return. That is at least my hope. But I still miss having you beside me. I wish and wish that we can sit and mediate together not only in spirit but in person.

My love, be strong, have courage, have hope and have faith – for the both of us.

Love you and miss you.